Escaping His Abuser

Black and white photo of dark haired man and woman with her dress of redHasn't been a day I haven't stopped wanting you memeUsing the key Sebastian had given me months ago, I walk through his front door into the dining room. I made my way through the kitchen and up the stairway that just days before, I nearly rolled down as he chased me. We haven't spoken to since that ridiculous day. Absolute misery has consumed me without having him in my life. He may have hurt me sexually but maybe that's my fault. Maybe the way I have been acting like a bratty teenager on her period has made him hurt me sexually subconsciously. Maybe all the complaining I throw at him regarding his estranged wife, Anne gets to him. I know he feels frustrated when I let my jealousy show, but I continue to do it daily. It is silly for me to be jealous, I know he loves me. I feel it when he says it. He shows me he loves me. From the beginning, he was sweet and connected. These past couple days of missing him had me going through our earliest text messages. It brings a smile to my face remembering how he fought for me. It makes me sad for him to read the nonsense chaos I put him through. I don't know why I let myself behave in such a manner. I'm hoping I am possessed. 

Screen shot of text messages Yes, I am jealous, because he is mine! That mut had her chance and she chose to share her body outside their marriage on more than one occasion. To me, that means Anne passed. That shows that Anne is a gold digging skanky whore. She disregarded her sacred matrimony vowels, his love, his commitment, and his health by letting other men stick their dirty dicks inside her disgusting vag! I know its disgusting because he missed a couple of barf-worthy photos on the laptop he gave me. I don't blame him for deleting any sight of that beat up, discolored, gaping hole. He must have gotten sick to his stomach himself and hoped he erased them all when those two were missed. After I stumbled on them I had to force that terrible sight out of my mind so I Googled images of abortions. The abortions were more attractive than her used flab of skin. All the times Sebastian had expressed to me how my special spots were the most attractive to him versus anyone's, even going further to claim mine was also the best feeling and tasting, gave me insight.

Black and white photo of man standing in a bedroom looking out the window with his back to usEvery time I proceeded to phone him, my anxiety and fear got caught in my throat while my stomach crocheted knots. The best way to approach hostility of that level is in person, plus its what feels right. I need him to understand the sincerity in my eyes when I proclaim how insanely in love I am. I want Sebastian to feel my words and believe its true. He needs to witness what true love can conquer. It's a necessity to confirm that he was correct every time he claimed the universe brought us soulmates together. Sebastian is the only person to wake my inner passion, exciting us more by the cultivation of erotic techniques. Experiencing the infinite variety of kisses with him is one of my greatest pleasures. Us falling so deeply in awe with each other has allowed highly sensitized, enthusiastic expressions of intimacy that I would punch a toddler to keep.
My intent was to arrive with my tail between my legs in hopes alleviate or to reverse the horrible way I have spoken lately as well as my juvenile behavior. Sebastian sent me a pledge of his dedication and devotion not too long ago when I threw a hissy fit. Even via e-mail, I could feel the love radiating off of his words and that gesture turned my day around and ignited my soul with sweetness. He deserves the same. We met by chance, connecting immediately as if our souls had already made love before our eyes locked on each other. Love at first sight never existed until the stars proved me wrong. When I declined his idea of a relationship, he refused to give up. I was sure to thank God and the universe every day for this. Joshua Sebastian Patrick and Elizabeth Lynn Wixon were molded for one another. The two of us were composed by the impeccable dynamic posse of the Holy Spirit, Freya, Aphrodite, Lada, Pothos, Imeros, and Eros (Cupid). This produced a phenomenon that we form and our lives have forever changed. I won't accept that this precious, rare gift from the deities is now obscured due to my insecurities.

Screen shot of text messages An annoying but familiar voice halted my hand from reaching for the bedroom doorknob. Giggling to make it known she is making fun of me, I fell with my back against the wall and slid down to the floor.  "It's your fault, huh? I guess every woman that is raped had it coming too? That's their 'punishment' right?"Louder giggles followed. "Rowan, leave. I can't deal with more stress. I skipped church service and it's proved hard to keep from vomiting." I stepped into his empty bedroom and my adrenaline made its presence known. Still exactly the mess as I left it. My fear of him sleeping somewhere else was confirmed. With silent tears falling down my red cheeks I pushed through my heart attack symptoms and started to clean the disaster I caused.  I wondered if my mother could read my thoughts when she rambled her opinions of Sebastian. "He knows that tramp doesn't love him! She had another man's kid! That pussy momma's boy doesn't love her either. He thinks he's doing the right thing. I bet he's not weaned from mommy's tit yet! He thinks he owes the skank something where it says wife on paper. He feels sorry for her. We all do, look at her. Ugh. He's a coward, Liz. You deserve a man. Trust me, you'll thank me later." I snapped at her. "Ya know, for someone that has it all figured out, how did you ever end up dead?" My words were sharp and below the belt. I knew my mother was going to snap back before she vanished. "I'm not psychic, bitch!" Rowan is nobody I want to take romance advice from or speak to right now.

With shaky hands, I collected the bed sheets and pieces of clothing we tore off of each other that night and found my way back down the flight of steps. Willing my thoughts to Sebastian as if I suddenly remembered I host telekinesis, I spotted Sebastian blending in with the couch. His back was to the room but I could sense he wasn't sleeping. He has been aware of my arrival however he is not interested. It does not seem he shares the same feelings as me concerning our absence from each other. "Perhaps he is escaping his abuser. After all, things we take for granted other people are praying for"  Rowan had to get another jab in and the bitch is playing philosophical. Refusing to acknowledge her, and my heart now in my throat, I tried to speak but my voice was low and cracking, I approached him apprehensively.  "Baby. I don't know what to say right now except I am so sorry."  That statement was generic but I meant every word.
Diamond engagement ring close upSebastian turned his head and briefly glanced my direction before turning back to face the couch. "Don't worry about the laundry, just go." His voice was emotionless. I stood there for a moment before making my way to the laundry room anyway. Through tears, I added our garments to the washing machine and ventured back up the flight of stairs to gather the sheets. As I passed through the living room again, his voice was bolder. "Elizabeth, those are no longer your concern, drop them and leave my home."  As I felt my heart break in two pieces, I ignored his demand and proceeded to climb the steps anyway.  "Goddamnit, Elizabeth! Get the fuck out of my house! Do not worry about the mess. Don't worry about me, it's over!" Another person has never altered my emotions like this moment. Panicking was the term. Sinking down in the recliner, my sad blue eyes closed as my hands caught my face. I had to recoup by deep breathes before speaking. "Sebastian, baby, I am so sorry. I don't know why I do the things I do to you. I don't know why I say the cruel things I do. I know I am in love with you. I know you are in love with me too -"  "I'm not."  Sebastian stated as he cut me off.

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