I Hate Harder

Sitting in the perish again with Preston was a bit comical.  He seems like he is in the running to becoming the best Catholic he can be.  Father Joplin was eyeing us during his sermon.  He has wondered where I have been pulling these panties from.  I'm sure the smell of stale liquor has been on both of our breath.  Father Joplin is smarter than he puts on, I am confident he has a theory.  Roderick James has also been eyeing us the whole sermon.  I rolled my eyes.  I am not in the mood for his 21 questions. 

Preston noticed too.  I saw his brow droop every time he caught Roderick's eye.  As we all rise to exit the pews, Father Joplin made his way towards us. Stopping to shake the hands of the many old woman and men he has come to know personally, Father Joplin peers at us outta the corner of his eye.  The agitation in his eyes was just as comical as Preston begging for his first ruler across his hands.  "Elizabeth, I am surprised to see you still in town. You don't have the meeting to finalize the mortgage for another month."  I tilt my head and perch my lips.  "Father Joplin, I do love the fact of you knowing every detail about my financial business, but you don't have any concern of me still being in the town that I have lived for the past six years."  His eyes narrowed.  "I am simply inquiring about the next, uh, meeting..."  His voice trailed off as he looked around.  "You want to know if we will be here, making more money than you."  "SHHHHH!"  His head fiercely darted from side to side.  I grinned. "I will see you later, at the meeting."  

With Preston in toe, we headed for the door.  "Elizabeth."  Stopping dead in my tracks, I composed a look on my face that didn't feel hateful.  Before I turned on my heel to face him, I said his name. "Roderick."  Preston's eyebrow was drooped again.  I could tell he gets the heebie jeebies vibe from him like I do. He is feminin, reminding me of a very, un-attractive girl.  He looks as though he would smell like pee.  He reminds me of two worthless, soulless, vagrant whores that attached themselves to the people I run with.  The urge to punch him concerned me.  "Hi."  I say, forcing a smile.  Elizabeth, I was surprised to see you in town. I have actually seen you around quite a bit.  Who is your gentleman friend here?"  Roderick and Preston faced each other.  "This is my ex boyfriend, Preston."  Both men looked surprised at the, matter of fact way I bluntly dropped that piece of info. "He's wanting to become the best catholic he can be. I told him there is an app for that, so we don't need to come back."  I got a few steps away before Roderick shook off the initial shock of my mouth, but he was right beside me again.  "Elizabeth, I would like to speak to you about some things. The deacon has left me with quite a debt and I don't know how to recover aside from his wife."  I stopped. My anger clearly showing on my round face.  Opening my mouth several times to respond, I finally decided no response was best at this time.  I threw my hand up, almost pointing at him and walked towards the door.  

"Elizabeth!" Roderick wasn't giving up, "I really need to work this out with you. I don't want to have to take appropriate measures in court."  "Who was that weirdo?"  Preston couldn't keep in it any longer.  Navigating my Yukon XL out of the parking lot, revving my V8 more than necessary, I snarl my lip up.  "Roderick James. The town's perv if you ask me. A few years ago he was accused of some inappropriate behavior with some neighborhood kids. After school snacks, games in his yard, the likes, but one little outcast that was always picked last for kick ball, said the right words to the right parent and got Roderick labeled the town Chester."  Both of Preston's brows narrowed now. "So, why do you not like him?"  I sighed.  "Because ever since then, Roderick thinks he is entitled to the 'feel sorry for me' card. It is so annoying. Plus, he and the deacon did some gambling together, apparently Roderick put all the money up front all the time so he conned the deacon into putting something up as collateral.  Something big, something he would have had to be talked into and humiliated to have done.  I lost my home because of it. Then, the deacon died, leaving me homeless. The son of a bitch thinks I am in any way shape or form okay with even saying hi to him. HELL no! Gambling is a sin, bro."   The long, hot shower helped me slip out of reality and into my imagination.  Sebastian touching me, washing my hair, washing my back and eventually finding his way under the curve of my ass cheeks, had me leaning on the shower wall while I humped his imaginary hand to climax.  Steadying my breathing to normal, I had to clench my chest as the tears came.  I miss Sebastian more than I have every missed anything or anyone before.  I can't allow myself alone time like this or my mind wonders to the ugly whore that is Anne.  The thought of them together hurts my soul.  It makes me angry.  It makes my blood boil.  I can literally feel the renegade running through my veins.  I pretended Anne's face was the wall as I punched it.  Alarming myself to the violence I just experienced.  I have only punched one other time in my life, that was a horse that had bitten Bryn's boob.

I had to explain to Preston the noise he heard, and he too was surprised at my outburst.  "Liz, you have been quite snappy. Edgy. Mood swings. Highs and lows. I am concerned about your state of mind."  He barely got the last sentence past his lips when I slammed the book I was holding to the floor.  That got his attention.  Through gritted teeth, I made my way towards him slowly. "My perfect marriage was lacking one small thing, my husband died, fuck the debt he left for me to lose my home! My life was turned upside down, fuck me having to upload a new life back home! I met my soulmate, fuck his baggage and still having a wife! She still has a grip on him somehow, even though there is another man she can run to, fuck her real baby daddy! What a coward, pussy! Letting that bitch use their daughter as a means to utilize his home whenever she is need of his assistance! Stand up for yourself! Nobody finds a push-over attractive! Dumb mother-fucker!"   The look of confusion fell over Preston as he tried to interrupt me.  "So now you're angry with Jac...."   He is lucky I let him get those few words out.  Preston interrupting me only amplified my existing anger.  I won't allow him to finish the sentence.  Shooting my voice up a few octaves, I was shouting now. "I let two fucking drug addicts get me hooked on dope, I secretly sell dirty panties, I let my jealousy and ego show around that ugly troll, and the dead ugly troll before her...cause, come on, they're basically the same skank!...still pisses me off to think about her existence, 'cause anyone would actually believe, 'I didn't cheat on my husband, I was raped', bitch! why you at a different party on your husband's birthday? come on, bro, you're an evil, gold-digging hoe, some dumb fuck wants wrongful rep sympathy and money from me, for all I know, he probably molested his niece as a child with the help of his brother, I miss my boyfriend, he is obviously a coward pussy too, I ran away! So I'm sorry, Preston! Yes, I am mad at him now too! I'm sorry if I have been a bit on edge, Preston! Fuck your concern! Fuck my timid personality! FUCK..."  My head started to feel light and dizzy, as the blackness presented itself.  

Starting from my eyeballs, the black cloud formed a blanket blinding me for a second, dripping down my body, settling in my toes.  Getting black-out pissed, has only happened a few times as a child, and the presence of it startled me.  I shook my head lightly as if I could shake away this anger. Hatred.  Pure hatred for the four dumb mother-fuckers I see in my mind right now.  Grouping the only people I have ever in my life wanted to wish ill on, I felt the sentence forming that later, I would go on to repeat, over and over, as if my favorite song's best line was skipping.  Preston plunked down on the couch, too nervous to take his eyes off of mine.  "FUCK, everyone, including Jackson!"

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