Anxiety



We all know the pain of moving past a broken heart. Preston and I had a close connection, not just as lovers but as friends which made the pain of adjusting to not having his company challenging for functioning in everyday life. We ran back to each other after declaring the end for years. I cried, moped, begged and pleaded with God, but eventually, I stopped.  I began to pray for the draining weight and constant emotional outburst to just be gone. When I married the reality of one of us passing never came to mind and when it came to light it proved to be the biggest challenge. He loved me so much he asked me to marry him; we buried a child together. His last words comfort me when I am feeling lonely. When I am missing his voice or his touch. I dream of his sweet face and my chest feels heavy when I wake with tear soaked sheets. But I smile, knowing he is okay, he is with our Elijah. I thought Elizabeth would go through the rest of her days alone, nobody would replace the deacon. But now here's Sebastian. His estranged wife picked now to beep bop her head between his legs to secure a place to sleep until another junkie comes along. My heart stops every time I remember what he told me she said. " I don't want to go through with the divorce."

Although I believe Sebastian when he says he doesn't desire her company anymore, it makes me want to vomit when the visual of them speaking plays in my mind. I can imagine the cards she has played; child card, wife card, 'feel sorry for me' card. My mind wanders to the first days with Sebastian. How attracted to him I was the feeling of being lusted after, him trying to commit and my reluctant attitude. Getting into a relationship after my husband passing didn't sit well. Had I  moved on or was my marriage not sacred? I didn't want to ever feel that pain again. Losing the other half of me. Sebastian fought, I'll give him that, he's a go-getter. I have seen his face in my dreams before laying my blue eyes on his golden eyes. I felt his presence like our souls knew each other and were pulling us together. Now with my stomach full of dead butterflies, I fight the urge to run so far away to rid the anxiety from my body. Is there a chance he still has feelings for her?  Reviewing our earliest texts like I had a research paper due was a way to assure my heart he is here to stay. The feelings are the absolute truth of how he feels about me, right? 
 He isn't an actor. He isn't a liar. Right, Sebastian? 

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