Losing my religion

I dreamed of Preston, of all people, making me feel alive again. As he kissed down my spine stopping at my bottom as he grasped it like Winnie the Pooh with his honey jar, I felt the tingling sensation of pleasure and my smile I couldn't get rid of. Preston rolled me over, his face meeting mine with a burning kiss that took me there before he even put the key in. "You are so sexy, Liz", Preston's voice so real in my ear, I couldn't hardly believe it was a just a dream. I couldn't believe I had that dream as I immediately started sobbing when I woke. My husband was gone, I kept saying over and over. Pneumonia was too strong for his weak lungs and the fluid was undetected before his release. Now the dream I couldn't get out of my head will never be a reality with him. I had a blank expression as I went through the motions of the services. Hugged people I didn't know, people I didn't care to know and people that genuinely loved the Deacon as I did. Father Joplin helped me the most out of anyone, maybe because of the secret we shared. I have been in confession everyday since I confessed to the Deacon. I have dressed appropriately, minded my P's and Q's and where did it leave me? Having a repeat of months ago. Now I am left without my son, my husband, no family and my only true friend, Bryn, hours away, back home. I guess I am destined to be alone after all. I can't imagine loving anyone after the Deacon and its impossible for me to have another child. God is punishing me it seems. I must have been a horrible person in another life or now, actively. I sat with my face buried in my hands as the coffin was lowered into the ground. I sat there still when all the workers were gone. I sat there still when the sun disappeared and when the cemetery closed. Just like the day we told Elijah goodbye. 

I finally mustered up the nerve to go to our bedroom to clean up. As I was changing the sheets, I touched a piece of paper under his pillow. A letter. My darling Liz he addressed it.

I want to confess to you now that I am positive my time on Earth is up. I have always admired your bravery for speaking your mind. You have always been animated and dramatic but over the years I'm afraid I am responsible for hiding that about you. You only live once so be yourself. Be Liz. I know you blame me in some way for Elijah and your hysterectomy and believe me, I want you to blame me so you're not at odds with God. I am so sorry for hiding your shine and I am so sorry to leave you with your grief alone. Life simply isn't fair. I am very proud of you and I wish I could have shared your desires with you. Don't hide them any longer. Satisfy your needs and turn your nose up at anyone who has a problem with it. Know I am always here with you and picture me in a rocking chair with our beautiful boy on my lap. We love you forever. Until we meet again, my darling Elizabeth, be who you were meant to be.

That night I woke startled and confused with the Deacon on top of me. As he shhh'd me, he caressed my body and kissed me in a manner I didn't know he knew how to. The shivers I got as he took me to another world with his mouth meeting my pelvis and his hot tongue teasing my clit, were more than I could bare. I wanted it again and again until I nearly ripped his hair out of his head as I shoved my pelvis into his face. Finally, I released him so he could grasp my body tight kissing my mouth hard before turning me over and entering me from behind. His pelvis thrusted my ass so hard I was surely going to bruise. I exploded in about two seconds and he followed. Both of us gasping for breath as I laid in his arms was the image and feeling I never want to forget. Then the phone woke me up, and I really woke up. It was a dream. My husband had one last hour on Earth to pleasure me and for that, I didn't lose my faith.


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