The 'Other' Confessional

Here I sit in the church. After hours with not only Father Jop but also a few less than holy rollers. After convincing Father Joplin to be vocal about masturbation, he felt so alive he told the worst sinners that a new kind of confessional was being held but under complete anonymity. Out of the six sinners in the room, only two of us were female. Mrs. Chelsea Layne was not the religious type as she drank, smoked and cursed worse than any sailor out there. Her health wasn't the best from all her years of drug use and the needle. Her husband, William, had recently passed from the same affliction. Chelsea was trying to save her soul and offer amends to God. But she is human also, and her body had needs and she wasn't ashamed. She took her plump, wrinkled hand and wiped the sweat off her brow and cleared her throat, "I had an active sex life until William couldn't get it up anymore. His, um, health issues interfered about a year ago. Since then, that battery operated bastard has done the trick." 

"Mrs. Layne, please, we are still in the house of the Lord. Let's keep the language appropriate, shall we?" Father Joplin exclaimed as he rolled his eyes. "Now, who else would like to share? Chad? You obviously came for a reason, let's hear it." Chad's face was growing the color of a stop sign, "Actually, Father, I wanted to see about buying some of Elizabeth's underwear." Chad continued. "Whoa, whoa, what did you say?" I almost shouted as my face almost caught up to his color. "Oh, I'm sorry, I mean Liz. Liz's underwear. I brought twenty five dollars just like they told me." Chad said matter of factly. "Who said?!" I demanded getting closer to him. FJ stood between us as the whole room had a shocked expression on their faces, except Chelsea, who had a smirk on her withered cheeks. Chad continued, "Well, down at the pool hall Mitch and his buddies were talking about buying a woman's dirty underwear. It was kind of like a fetish thing to excite them and make them forget about their boring sex lives." He was looking a little panicked now.

FJ dismissed the room so we could regroup and get to the bottom of this. Everyone exited quietly except Chelsea Layne. "Elizabeth, goody two shoes, Elizabeth Wixon, wife of the Deacon is not only conducting a secret porn discussion but also peddling her disgusting garments. Who would have thought?" She laughed so hard as she waddled out of the room. "Alright, who is Mitch?" I demanded. "He runs the construction company that is cleaning up the old park." Poor Chad responded as looked like he was being interrogated. "Elizabeth is this true? If so, we can't have the Deacon finding this out and we certainly can't have the church members or anyone for that matter finding out! Not only would we take a risk of finding out our dirty confessional but also the rumors and bad press will ruin our good name. You must stop this at once! I understand you acting out after the life changing event you just went through but this is almost as if you're a teenager! Go home and touch yourself in private and wash your underwear like everyone else in the world does and I do expect to see you in confessional, the real confessional tomorrow!" FJ was not playing and I suddenly felt like I was being criminilized. 

Chad was excusing himself quietly when he turned to me, "Um, Liz -" I stood there eyes a blazing. "Go, Chad! You are not buying her underwear!" FJ sternly said through his teeth. Chad left me alone to face the silence and FJ's breathing. "I will hide this the best I can, you deny any word of it but you must not sell one more pair, do you understand? Elizabeth? I let my own emotions take over and allowed this but there is a reason it has to be in secret and that is because its not accepted and for good reason! Keep your thoughts pure and have a good night. Go check on your ailing husband and never speak of this again." Then he left me to the silence of the room. I stood there with a blank stare for a while and finally broke the silence. "No."

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